Curly Kop

When you have cancer you generally have to do chemotherapy. Not always but generally. Now obviously it sucks. You fill your body with poison to kill the crap inside it. Along with a bunch of other stuff you also have to take plenty of cortisone to help the process. Its delightful... All the aches and pains.  The nausea. The exhaustion. The bloated thing that was once you. The list goes on and on.

But there is one side effect of chemo that can be kinda cool, depending on which way you look at it. Hair loss. I know, for a lot of people it is pretty traumatic having to loose their beautiful locks. Especially for woman.  Our hair defines us, makes us feel confident and attractive. And to have it falling out in clumps is definitely an emotional experience. But once you have gotten over the initial shock, there are a few advantages of losing your hair. All of your hair falls out. All of it people, all of it! No one can say they miss shaving or having to go for their scheduled wax appointment. It's fabulous. While you may feel the need to cover your head with wigs or scarves, draw on eyebrows and use false eyelashes, no one is checking to see if your bikini line is still intact. For a short while your body is fabulously hair free. (Even the tiny little hairs in your ears are gone. I found that out when I couldn't understand why everyone was speaking so loudly.) 

The doctors will prepare you as best they can before hand but what no one tells you is what it's like when all the hair comes back. It's like the little buggers have been on vacation and after a well deserved break they are back with a vengeance. Hair Everywhere! Thicker and darker, OK alot of them greyer too, AND CURLY! What they hell? I now have thick and very curly hair and I don't know what to do with it. My fro this morning was so enormous my husband compared me to Marge Simpson. He keeps telling me to cut it but I just cant. Not because I have some sentimental attachment to it but rather because I don't want to have to go through the same growth faze again. Growing curly hair is a messy affair. And for a 'do' that has only one style it very often won't do what you want it to do. Far to much time is spent trying to tame individual strands and strategically place others for a semi descent look.

After this long waffle, I have come to the conclusion that I want long hair. Perhaps a bucket list item?  I think so.

3. To have long hair again.

Long hair to brush, straighten, tie up, braid, whatever. How wonderful it will be to have long hair again. As for the rest of it, an order of non existent please, Thanks!

Bron
xxxx

Count your blessings and I mean really count them!

What a brilliant weekend; time spent with my gorgeous family, great friends and lots of food. Far too much glorious food. But something has been plaguing my mind...

A family friend posted on her facebook status that she would like to start a prayer chain for friends of hers that have found out their 2 year old daughter has stage 4 cancer. (Not sure what type but does it make a difference?) How awful for that family. How do they even begin to cope or process that? The only way I can try relate is by sharing my story.

Remember I told you that Phillipa went for an MRI on her arm. Well that was to test for a rare form of child cancer that starts in the bones and if it was to be, she would probably only live to be about 10 years old, maybe more. The entire process felt distorted and we were in sheer disbelief. We were told that all the signs were there but in order to make sure we had to send her into theatre for a biopsy. The day before we had to take her to the hospital I went to a yoga class.  I remember lying on the floor during meditation and the tears were gushing down the side of my face. While the puddles of water collected around my head I kept silently begging the universe to please give it to me instead. I hope I don't sound like a martyr but trust me, if it was your child you would want to take their pain away. You would want and need to carry their burden. As I am sure that poor mom would do in a heart beat.  I can only imagine the amount of times she has screamed to the universe to give it to her instead!

Phillipa was amazing and during her biopsy the doctor actually called Dave to come to the door of the theatre to give him the thumbs up. Phillipa didn't have cancer but rather a knotted vein that resembled a tumor. Our child was OK. Our baby was going to be OK!

I don't know if the universe heard my plea's but I do know this. Its easy carrying a 'burden' when there is even the remotest chance that it could be for your child. Actually its a privileged and a blessing. I often wallow in my own self pity about how long or short I have left on this earth, wondering how much of my children's lives I will bear witness too. But not this weekend. This weekend I was so incredibly grateful to have had lived this long. To have seen my daughters turn 7 and next month 10. I have those memories and nothing can take them away from me.

So please, if you are religious or even if you are not, please send lots of positive, healing energy toward that sweet 2 year old and her family.

Thanks
Bron xxxx

Can I grow an oak tree?

So MRI done n' dusted.  Its weird - and I have said this before - having a scan is like doing an oral presentation or taking an exam.  You are anxious before the time and hope you will put up your best performance. Once it's done, all that anxiety goes away, you feel some what euphoric and figure what ever happens, you'll deal with that later, at least its over for now.

The MRI did give me a chance to think about the next item on my bucket list...

2. Plant an oak tree and watch it grow.

Now I know this might sound fairly arb, but if you know me you will also know that my fingers are about as green as Shrek is handsome. So I want to plant this tree, see it survive my fingers and hopefully be around for a very long time to witness it grow into a magnificent feature at the bottom of my garden. Don't you love the way an oak tree changes through out the year?  Its vibrant red and orange leaves in Autumn and its huge shade offering gentleness in the summer. YIP, I want to plant an oak tree.  Anybody keen to come a planting with me?

Small oak tree at Glengarry Natal Midlands

Comfort in strange places

Certain situations or places are just not lekker to be in. Like the municipality offices or an exam room. A long queue in a bank or sitting next to the fat oke in the cinema when you are 8 months pregnant... you know what I mean? Another one of these places is inside a MRI machine/tubey thingy. I remember the first time I saw the machine.  I had to sit inside the room and watch and comfort my eldest child while they scanned her arm.  I was so proud of her and thought she was incredibly brave. I only knew how brave when I went for my first MRI.

We were still trying to figure out what was wrong with me so in one day I had x-rays, an ultrasound, a CT scan and an MRI. The CT is semi OK except before you go into the donut they feed you a litre of this kuk liquorice tasting stuff so whatever needs to, will show up nice and brightly. Hideous!

But the MRI is far more intimidating. 'Sorry for you' if you are freaked out by small spaces because they slide you into a white tube and tell you to relax and lie there very still for oh, and hour and a half. The thing vibrates, turns and churns around you and screams so loudly you have to wear earphones. To top it off I had to breathe in and hold my breath every so often for up to 40 seconds at a go and midway they stuck a needle into my arm with some more of that funny dye stuff.  You try doing that for over an hour and see how relaxed you are!

Needless to say I have done that same MRI too many times to count and tomorrow I have another one. I take comfort in the fact that I know the nurses and staff, they are friendly and always ask about my progress.  I know what is expected of me so there is no need to feel apprehensive or scared. I also love the fact that last year I couldn't get there by myself, Dave had to drive me, but tomorrow I will be steering my own chariot. (Don't get me wrong I love going with Dave, its just a small victory that I like to celebrate.)
A MRI is not an environment that I ever imagined I would get use to or feel comfortable in but there you have it... I'm comfortable in that very strange place.

FYI:

Magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), or nuclear magnetic resonance imaging (NMRI), is primarily a medical imaging technique most commonly used in radiology to visualize detailed internal structure and limited function of the body

Completely new to this

I was inspired by a story I read the other day. A young girl who is dying of cancer posted her bucket list online for the world to see. I keep telling myself that I need to write a bucket list, but I never have. So after having read her story I decided to start writing it down, along with the struggles and stories, both good & bad, of my cancer to whomever wants to hear it.
This is my very first time posting on my very own blog.  I never thought it would be this intimidating, but I find myself quite nervous and panicking about what to say or where to begin. So I will start with this...

Bron's Bucket List:

1. Learn to ride a motorcycle...

Got the ball rolling today.  Phoned to find out how much the lessons are and where I can have them. Now I just need to convince my husband, Dave, and I will be on my merry motorbike way!

Hopefully I will have my head wrapped around this whole 'sharing with the world' thing and I can tell you more about My Big C tomorrow.

Cheers
Bron xxxx