I was chatting to a friend the other day and he asked me some hard questions and shared with me some harsh truths. He said my blog is great but wanted to know how I was really feeling. "Not just 'how are you?' but how does having cancer really make you feel Bronwen?" Obviously it has been running through my mind ever since, and I keep coming up with the same answer.

I am pissed off!!

Not the 'why me?' or 'I am so cursed' kinda pissed off. I'm pissed off because of how much it has affected my life, and still does. When I say my life, I mean everything and EVERYONE in it, because they are my life. The people who I love are my life. My husband! My kids! My family! My friends! Me! I am so annoyed with the fact that my children had to see me like that. That the word cancer is part of their vocab and when I say something like my boob is sore, my 10 year old says "I hope you are not getting breast cancer now too mommy." I am so very pissed off with the fact that my husband had to became my doctor. That he can never erase what he saw last year. That it took me from the wife he knew to the patient he still has to worry about. How do you go back to being husband and wife when this shit has made you doctor and patient. (I know that is what marriage is about and I would have done the same... but did it have to make me into a pasty, bald, sweating, fitting whale that my husband had to save every morning?) I am upset for my folks because no parent wants to face the prospect that their child might die before they do. It's not natural. I am pissed off because sugar lows would send me into mind altering, aggressive rages and I swore (nasty, unforgivable things) at people I love! I am so incredibly annoyed by the fact that people think I am brave and a fighter when I don't feel like that at all. Bravery is when something scares the shit out of you but you make the choice to do it anyway. I fight this disease because I have no choice... blindly throwing punches at my opponent, while keeping a positive attitude that one will strike the winning blow. I can't stand it that I feel like such a fake because most days the fear of this disease cripples me emotionally and I don't know how to get a hold of myself. I am angry because instead of grabbing every opportunity and living, I am just alive and so fearful of my given disease that I hide from everything that I could and should be doing. I hate that it makes me feel so pathetic and so very very sad.

Please don't get me wrong, I am so grateful for so many things and trust me when I say I have a wonderful life that I really do not want to give up. But today I am pissed off!